Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
