Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
