I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
