I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
