you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
