guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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