I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
