just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Randomize
