i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
