The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
