There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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