If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
