God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
