Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
