and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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