Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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