Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
