We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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