They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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