His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
