she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
