I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
