So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
