When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
