alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
