I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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