Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
