failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
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I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
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I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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