If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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