I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm having to shit out rocks
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
