If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
