either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
