my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
