I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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