i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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