Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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