new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
