Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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