I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
