when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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