There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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