So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
