I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize