i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
