So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
