last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
