Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
