I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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