At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
