If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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