You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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