Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
