Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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