Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
