You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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