I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
