Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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